By Ryan Tobbe
This is the first time I've written a blog, also my first time having a website, also my first online store; lots of firsts. At the point in time of me writing this, I am 27 years old, and I have been really plagued with regret lately (Yeah, we're getting right into this). I keep on thinking that I should be much farther along in my chosen artistic vocation, and just in life in general, than I am currently. Its completely natural, I imagine, that the older we get, the more we wonder where else we might be, what else we might have accomplished, if we had just did this differently, or if we hadn't done that. It seems like no matter how much I try to forgive my past-naive self, the nagging thoughts of what could have been continue to persist.
So I recently sought to chip away at forgiving myself by doing what I do best: I wrote a song. It's called Self Forgiveness and it's off my upcoming album, entitled "Make Yourself Happy". The project is 10 songs, each written to address a different building block of a happy existence (the inspiration for the project was The Happiness Lab Podcast, which I sincerely recommend to anyone who is interested in the topic of positive psychology). There is a particular line the Self Forgiveness Song that I have been repeating constantly over the past few days, as a weapon to ward off the blows of my psychological bullies. The lyric goes "I've come to the conclusion that, if I was the person that I was back then, I'd make every single mistake again, and, my next mistake is just a matter of when, hence, pretending it isn't a trend doesn't really make any sense." I'm going to continue this thought, but in a new paragraph, so this one doesn't get too long.
Yes, I definitely wish that I would've smoked less weed, drank less alcohol, and fruitlessly chased after girls that weren't interested in me. I could've already had a website, and the blog post would be one of hundreds. All probably very true. However, it would've been impossible to convince my younger self that those were not worthwhile things to be chasing. I never believe anything with forethought, only in hindsite. I always have to learn the hard way. I hope that knowledge of this will help it occur less in the future, but it's foolish of me to blame my younger self, whose role models in the media told him nothing but "Sex, drugs, and rock'n roll", for seeking ecstasy in these pleasures. If I haven't experienced something that everyone around me is doing, its tough to convince me that its not worth doing.
Anyways, my point in this very freewritten blog post, is just that, I tend to be very hard on myself for being dumb when I was younger, and while it would've been nice to have been more forward thinking in my youth, I wasn't. All I've inherited from my younger self is a bunch of bad habits to work on. I can either sulk about that and continue the trend into a fruitless future, or I can start reinventing myself inch by inch, hour by hour, and forgive myself for not being perfect by tomorrow.
This was fun. I'll do it again soon.
Have a great day and remember to be nice to yourself!